Guest Post from the Ex-Pope
The following blog post is written and submitted by Pope Benedict XVI. (Translation by the Official Catholic Secretary and Council of Nations)
I understand that I have not spoken much about my decision to relieve myself from the Papacy. There has been much speculation and wonder surrounding recent events and, while the Conclave elects my replacement, I feel the need to explain my actions so that there is no further confusion.
The simple fact of the matter is this: Being the Pope is a major drag. I couldn't walk a single step without being followed by the most sorrowful and melancholy gang of elderly drones you could ever set your eyes upon. Even an act as simple as going to the restroom involved a procession of epic proportions. Furthermore, it seems like every destination within the walls of the Vatican is at the end of a never ending hallway that precludes even the smallest of ambitions.
I am an old man. The strapping physique I dawned upon the eyes of chapel nuns that sent them into a spiritual tizzy is no more. It begs the question, why must I wear so many robes and drapes and cloths and head gear? I asked why I must wear such a costume and they told me it is how it has always been done. How could they know?! The last time I checked The Bible didn't have pictures in it. I look like a villain from Final Fantasy. It's embarrassing.
I am sure you have all seen the automobile in which they pedal me about the streets. Such a contraption should be reserved for the likes of clowns. CLOWNS, I tell you. They insist it is for my safety. I suggested, to no avail, that if they would like me to remain unharmed simply create scenarios where I would attract less attention. Allow me to wear the clothes of a common man and cut in half the parade of zombies that follows my every move.
Lastly, my closest friends know that I, like most of you, enjoy a good Gregorian Chant with friends every so often; however, every day is a bit much. Day and night the moans of our predecessors haunts me. I petitioned that they, at the very least, allowed me to request specific chants of my liking....again to no avail.
At times I wonder what it would have been like to be the leader of a more subdued religion, such as Scientology. That Tom Cruise seems of a happy sort. He's always smiling and what not. I even saw once he danced and jumped on the couch of the Oprah show. Oh how I wish I could experience such madness in my own heart.
I must leave you now, my beloveds. They are calling me from outside of my chamber doors. Undoubtedly for my exit interview. Perhaps I can put in a good word with the chaps to see if I can keep the staff. I did enjoy carrying the staff around.
Sincerely yours for always:
Pope Benedict XVI