Romeo Must Die
There is a mouse in my house. I have named him Romeo. He must die.
On Friday my girlfriend heard the mouse in my studio/editing room and found that it had gotten into one of her bags. Gross.
On Saturday we were sitting on the couch and I saw it run from under the television stand into a nearby closet. Gross.
On Sunday the building owner kindly came by and left a couple of traps and poison near areas where we suspect the little bastard could be getting in. Progress?
I woke up at 4:15am this morning (Monday) to find my girlfriend sitting up in bed with her face in her hands because she had seen it in the bedroom. Then I saw it run from my room into the living room. GROSS!!!!
On my journey to work this morning I thought of a list of things that I would prefer to infest my home, rather than this damned mouse. The list, in order of preference, is as follows:
Why can't it be a baby monkey that scurries about my house looking for food and shelter? I feel like if it were a baby monkey, my girlfriend would be a bit more welcoming; especially if it were one of those monkeys that help you around the house and bring you things. You know what I'm talking about. You would be sitting on the couch watching Adult Swim and then the baby monkey hops on your shoulder and gives you a peanut. Then when you tell it that you're allergic to peanuts, it runs in the kitchen and comes back with a grape. Then you're like, "Thanks, baby monkey!"
I am a huge fan of koalas. They're cute and cuddly and although they are wild, I can only imagine them being properly potty trained. I've only ever seen koalas eat leaves and things of that nature, so I don't think they would be high maintenance. I doubt I would ever come home to find that the koala has eaten the last of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch and finished off all the milk. Koalas also look like they give great hugs. I'm all about hugs.
Pandas are a bit bigger than koalas and I don't think a panda would be potty trained; however, they also look like they specialize in hugs and a low maintenance diet of leaves and tree bark.
I would prefer an elf to infest my apartment because at least an elf could teach me how to cast spells. I only worry that it would play the lute at all hours which would be unacceptable. I would require the elf to stop playing the lute by 8pm at the latest. The elf would quarell with me because everyone knows elves must practice the lute for 4 hours a day. So yeah. Learning spells would kick ass.
No explanation necessary.
I would love for money to infest my home. I wouldn't mind waking up to find money hiding under my television, or behind my dirty clothes hamper. I wouldn't mind one bit if I woke up in the night to hear scratching on the wall, turn on the light, and find that money has somehow crawled through a small space and into my living room. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even leave traps for the money. I would just let it come and then come again. For always.
Anyways, Romeo must die...and he will. I am going to Google some solutions, buy more poison and traps and get this little twat of a mouse if it's the last thing I do (which I am sure it won't be).