My thoughts on the Zombie Apocalypse
I have a crippling fear of zombies. It's a legitimate phobia that I have had since I was young. People make fun of me for this, but that's because they don't understand the magnitude of what would become of the world if the Zombie Apocalypse were to take place.
Let me stop here and say that I KNOW zombies aren't real; however, the mere thought of them is enough to keep me awake at night. NOTE: I initially only chose an animated zombie picture to go along with this blog because a picture of REAL zombies is too much for me to look at. Yeah, it's like that.
You wake up to a shuffling noise at your door. You open it to find that your roommates are pale, vomiting blood, and trying to eat you. What do you do? You fight them off, shut the door, and jump out the window.
You come to your feet, dust yourself off, but wait....oh, wait...you raise your head to realize that THE ENTIRE WORLD IS TRYING TO EAT YOU!!!!!! That's right. Your neighbors are running towards you with blood pouring from their mouths. The children that used to play on the monkey bars in the playground near your house are sprinting at you with pale green skin, hunger in their eyes and death in their hearts. All trying to eat you.
Your girlfriend. Your boyfriend. Your mistress. Your lover. Your sister. Your brother. Your father. Your mother. Your train crush (see below for definition of train crush). Your dog. ALL TRYING TO EAT YOU!
What is sad about all of this is that if the Zombie Apocalypse were to happen, I wouldn't have what it takes to survive. I don't believe in guns, so I'd never shoot one at anything, [un]dead or alive. I am the worst at fighting people and things physically. I'm not very resourceful, so living on the road and rummaging through abandoned grocery stores isn't my thing. Lastly, and most importantly, I have terrible Asthma. Living in a world of zombies involves a lot of running. I can't sprint 100 yards without taking a swig from my inhaler or taking a 2 minute break. I'd be done for.
The only thing I'd be good for in a team of survivors is planning our next move and being careful. I'd be the one with the map saying that we should head north to Vermont because that's what worked in I Am Legend. I'd be the one saying that we should head for the nearest dock and highjack a large ship and live at sea; taking port only to re-up on supplies. I'd be the one planning our mankind preservation strategy, which leads me to my first point on the actual benefits of the Zombie Apocalypse:
The benefits of the Zombie Apocalypse are as follows:
1) I'd finally get some action. My human preservation strategy would involve procreation. Which means that women will HAVE to sleep with me. They'll just have to. The only way this could backfire is if the only female survivors look like Roseanne Bar or my childhood dentist's assistant (this woman was hideous). I'd rather be a zombie.
2) No work. Jobs wouldn't be necessary in a world of zombies. Sure, there would be duties, such as my planning and close oversight of the Mankind Preservation Initiative. But, all in all, we wouldn't need to go into an office and make spreadsheets.
3) Road trip! I'm a huge fan of road trips. Get me on the open road in a jeep with some friends and we're good money. We'd always be on the road in the Zombie Apocalypse; going from state to state, city to city, and if we ever get to a port and begin our journey on the water, sea to sea. We'd make memories share some laughs, and there's nothing wrong with that.
I could go on and on about this, so I'll stop here. You get my point, so if there's ever any need to survive in a world of zombies I probably wouldn't survive 24-hours, but if I do, then look me up. We'll be a team.
If you're a dude, we'll find some hot women to "survive" with.
If you're a woman, then just know that my only concern is preserving mankind and ensuring that those cursed zombies don't win.
Train Crush [treyn kruhsh] - noun - an attractive member of the opposite sex that you see on the subway every morning and sometimes evening because you are on the same daily schedule, or every so often because you live in the same area. See also bus crush.