Filmmaker - Musician - Photographer

A letter to FedEx

Dear FedEx:

I was recently an expected recipient of a package from one of your wonderful facilities and I have a few suggestions:

A truck full of important signature-required packages being delivered at 11am. C'mon, son!I would hold off on delivering packages that require a signature until after 5:30pm.  The reason for this is that most of America gets off of work at 5pm.  What makes you think that delivering a package at 2pm between Monday and Friday would be convenient for ANYONE?!  Also, let's say you deliver a package at 2pm on Tuesday.  Why would you deliver it at the EXACT SAME TIME on Wednesday?!?!?!  This is even more ridiculous than delivering signature-required packages before 5:30pm.

You know I'm serious because I used a combination of question marks and exclamation marks.  I only do that when I mean business.

I live in Hoboken and had to travel to Elizabeth, New Jersey to get my package after your 3rd attempt delivering said package at the exact same f----king time each day.  I take issue with the pick up procedure at the Elizabeth, New Jersey location.  While I am sure it was once a refugee camp for victims of the Holocaust, you could spruce up the place a bit.  It looks scary.  Having me stand outside the massive security gate and dial a number on the outdoor pay phone would be a nice touch if I were visiting my uncle Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Prison.

I do, however, applaud the abstract (almost artistic) customer service tactics of Wendy; the nice woman who answered the security phone when I called to have my package brought down.  After I dialed the number to the holdings office I was met with the murmur of office banter.  No one said hello.  There was no greeting of any sort.  It was almost as if someone picked up the phone and silently listened to my breathing as if to say, "Your move."

Me:  Ummm...hello?

Wendy:  Yes.

Me:  Hello?

Wendy:  This Wendy with FedEx.  Now that's talent right there!  How can I help you, baby?

If this were a FedEx superhero, he would be named "Freight", but the meaning and pronounciation would be like "Fright". Put me on your creative team. We'll get money.I love this because Wendy has her own slogan for when she answers the phone.  And why not, "Now that's talent right there"?  It's better than What you want is what you get, or Just say no.  Those are the slogans of yesteryear.

In summation:  Just deliver signature-required packages when you KNOW people will be home instead of wasting your time and ours with this cat and mouse bull crap.

...and require all of your employees to create slogans for themselves.