MJ and other stuff
It's been a looooong time since I've posted anything that I feel has been worth reading. I will attempt to do so in 3....2....1....
I am still very much in disbelief that Michael Jackson has passed. I don't think it has really even hit me yet. As a matter of fact, besides an odd feeling in my stomach, I'm very numb to the whole ordeal. When I found out I didn't even really flinch. That's not to say I am not affected, but for some reason I haven't been able to show it. Michael Jackson has been a staple in my life since I was born and for that to be gone now feels funny.
Some people in my age group are saying that they feel like their childhood is over now. I understand, but I'm not sure I'd go that far. I mean, I haven't forgotten what it was like to chase the ice cream truck down the blog. I haven't forgotten how it felt to guard the secret of which girl I "liked" in school. What makes it feel weird is that Michael Jackson was there to compose the soundtrack to all of those feelings. I have always been able to attribute a moment in my life to whatever Michael Jackson song was hot at that time. I'll miss that.
IN OTHER NEWS:
I've been doing more shows lately. I'm not sure who I'm trying to impress - maybe just myself - but, doing live performances is a lot of fun. In a way, it's like holding a mirror up to my face because I'm starting to realize how badly I suck at guitar. When listening to my songs I don't sound like I'm that bad. Even when I am my own audience, I feel like I'm not too shabby and don't need to know scales or the names of chords to do what I want to do. It's only when I'm in front of an audience of people staring at me that I realize I need to step my game up a bit.
So, I will do that.
Work is getting more and more frustrating by the day. I don't hate my job, but it's almost starting to feel like my job hates me. Does that make sense? Probably not.
I've been torturing myself in a way by volunteering for additional responsibilities. Even when my work load is full and barely manageable I volunteer for another project or take on some other mundane task. Fear is the only reason I do this. I'm afraid that if I don't do everything, then my superiors will start to feel like I'm good for nothing and do away with me. With the economy the way it is and my addiction for being a grown up (paying rent, dealing with bill collectors, eating food, etc.) I refuse to subdue to some abnormal struggle by not having at least SOME TYPE of income coming in.
Anyways, this on top of being Black in the corporate world makes me feel obliged to do extra. A friend criticized me once for "pulling the BlackCard" in this situation and I understand her point that things aren't as bad as they were before, during, and immediately after the Civil Rights Movement; however, a discomfort still exists. I am no stranger to being over looked for promotions and acclaim in my past jobs for no logical reason other than it just being because my triumphs go unrecognized. I do happen to think that some of the time (only SOME of the time) this is because I am Black.
I am thinking of a time when I was in line to become a manager for a company where I was working. My superiors all told me I was next in line to get this position. Months later when the position was available it was given to a white man with no experience. ZERO experience. No seriously....Z-E-R-O. There is no logic behind their decision to give him the job over me. No seriously.....NO LOGIC. I can't explain what lead me to believe that if I were white I would've gotten the job I was in line to get, but when you're in that type of situation you just know. Even when you step out of the situation and look at it objectively. You just know.
Now, I am NOT having this problem at my current job. My superiors always make it a point to tell me how well I am doing and how valuable I am to the team. It's just that past experiences such as the one I just mentioned make me terrified that it's all just a game and they really don't mean what they say when they tell me how important I am.
I'm not bitching, so don't comment on this blog bitching about me bitching about being Black. Because I'm not. I'm just saying. I take on these extra assignments and responsibilities because I'm insecure about my role here. Part of that insecurity comes out of knowing that a lot of times minorities, thought no longer the minority, are still minorities. I mean the fact that we're still CALLED minorities proves this fact to some degree.
I turn 29 in a week and people seem to think that this is a big deal. I don't think it is. We live in a culture where we're taught that time is running out. Most of us feel as if we should be married by a certain age, we should have sex by a certain age (and depending on your age at a respectable frequency), we should have children by a certain age, et cetera. This is all bull crap. I stand firm in my belief that time doest REALLY exist. It's a matter of perception.
Do you know that in some cultures they don't even keep track of age?! I was watching a video where Sean Lennon traveled to Africa and he went to visit a tribe that was COMPLETELY cut off from civilization. (I mean, if you showed these people a television they wouldn't know what to make of it.) They never kept track of their age. Sean was talking to the village hunters and asked one of them how old you had to be to start hunting. After his question was translated, one of the hunters pointed to a boy standing with them. Sean asked, "Yes, and how old is he?" They didn't even understand the question. The translator said, "They don't concern themselves with tracking age."
I'm not at all saying I want to live in a village, wearing a grass skirt and hunting boar, but it would be nice if we didn't track age in our society. I think with that burden off of people's minds we would focus on something more important. I do know for a fact that people wouldn't give up on themselves so easily if they didn't know how old they were.
Alright I've ranted enough. I have more, but I think I'll type it in another blog.