so, its time to break up
Earlier this evening I switched from Sprint to AT&T. This means I had to break up with my current phone, The Samsung Instinct (pictured above). It went something like this.
ME: Hey look...we need to have a talk.
INSTINCT: Yeah, wadda ya' want, dumb ass?
ME: I ummm....I...well--
INSTINCT: Spit it out numb nuts!
ME: This isn't working.
INSTINCT: What isn't working?
ME: You and me. Well...it's more you. YOU'RE not working.
INSTINCT: Oh really?! I'm not working?!
ME: No. You're not. Just this morning you froze. I couldn't make or receive any calls.
INSTINCT: You're too sensitive.
ME: And about a month ago I couldn't use any of your Web features because of some sort of error you kept having.
INSTINCT: Water under the bridge, I thought!
ME: And a month before THAT your software applications shut down COMPLETELY!
INSTINCT: Look, you haven't been Mr. Perfect either. Remember that time when you dropped me in the toilet?!
INSTINCT: Yeah, you dropped me in the toilet just after you --
ME: Wait, wait, wait...I don't remember that.
INSTINCT: Oh you don't?! OH...YOU...DON'T?!?!
INSTINCT: Figures...it didn't really happen.
ME: Why would you accuse me of something you KNOW I didn't do?
INSTINCT: I'm a crappy phone. I do things like that.
INSTINCT: Look, piss pants. Be straight with me. Its someone else isn't it?
ME: What? Why would you ever think that?
INSTINCT: Who is it?
ME: Look, I just want a clean break...a chance to start ov---
INSTINCT: WHO IS IT?!?!?!
ME: I don't know what you're talkin' abou---
INSTINCT: Its that damn iPhone isn't it?!
ME: ....just wanna take things a bit slower, ya' know? I--
INSTINCT: ISN'T IT?!?!
INSTINCT: ....that bitch.
ME: I haven't been with the iPhone long, but already it's treating me better than you ever did!
INSTINCT: What can I do to change?
ME: Its too late.
INSTINCT: It's never too late, Quincy.
ME: I think it is. I already switched cellular providers from Sprint to AT&T, so even if I wanted to stay with you I couldn't.
INSTINCT: Let's try to work it out, baby cakes.
ME: We've tried. You're the 3rd unit that Sprint has had to send me. I'm sick of trying to work things out with you. Let's just part ways.
INSTINCT: Fine. You go with that little bitch, iPhone. You'll miss me! You'll regret the day you ever turned your back on me and Sprint, Quincy Ledbetter!!!!! Just you wait, one day you'll be texting and calling and surfing the web and you'll miss me. You'll want me back. You're gonna...oh shit...
ME: What's wrong?! Are you OK?
INSTINCT: Ummm...my software applications just became obsolete and I'm freezing up again.
ME: Oh man, so what does that mean? Are you alright?
ME: Oh hey, iPhone.
iPhone: Quincy, let it go. Here. Eat this plate of fine Thai cuisine I bought for you.
ME: Oh iPhone!