Today, while on the train I looked at the faces of everyone on their way to work. They all looked so tired and cold and oblivious to all the life that is going on around them. No one looked happy or excited.
I thought back to a time when I was on my school bus on my way to school. It was just as early in the morning and everyone around me was just as tired. The only difference is that on the school bus, I remember more life. I remember more excitement. I remember more spirit in everyone's eyes.
I understand we're all older now and we all have grown folk things to do, but I think it is sad that we have lost that spirit and excitement. At some point I lost it, too. I don't feel any real feelings as much I as used to. I'm so used to acting excited and acting like someone said something funny and acting interested in things that it has carried over into ever aspect in my life. When people talk to me about boring things I act interested. I spend time acting interested in women who aren't that interesting and its because I don't know how to be real with myself anymore.
The old me wouldn't stand for this. The only me would say, "You're boring," to someone. The old me would cry when he was sad. The old me used to run for no reason. I used to laugh at little things. I used to sit and watch life happen before my eyes because it was so beautiful. Now, I just kind of go with the flow and I do not think this is how GOD intended for us to live.
Look at the difference between people on the subway or bus or in their cars on their way to work. Next, think about the kids that surrounded you on the school bus when you used to ride to school. We got up at the same time of day back then and dealt with the same type of commute (in most cases). How come everyone is so lifeless now? On the school bus, everyone was wide awake and excited even though they didn't like going to school, they were just......ALIVE!!!! Now as I sit on the train or take the bus or when I used to sit in traffic on my way to work, everyone looks so dead. They look miserable. Today I just noticed that I look the same way.
Its because at some point I stopped being the ruler of my life and I started letting life rule me. This is not the way we are meant to live. We are meant to have dreams and we are meant to follow them and whatever happens in between is just a stepping stone until we get to do what we want to do.
I've been following my dream, but I've been following it like someone who's spirit is dead. I've known I'm good at the things I do and want to do with my life, but I've always had this morbid feeling hanging over my heart. Even when I moved to New York in December to pursue my music more seriously I did so with the greatest amount of apprehension you could imagine. I was worried about things that the old me wouldn't have worried about.
We used to be fearless. When did we get so afraid? Its like we let life take control of us instead of us taking control of life.
I'm going to try to take control again. It'll be hard and I'm sure it won't happen over night, but today I swear to myself to be better at being myself and actually living. I am dead right now. I want to live.