This is the second blog I've posted today. The dedication I'm showing to this blog is admirable considering no one ever reads these blogs o' mine. Miwa and Emily have read two of them; even Betsy read at least one. That excites me. All three of those lovely ladies get an official Q.Ledbetter bronze star.
It would be a gold star if you read my blog everyday, but I doubt either one of you are doing that. I'll raise that doubt another doubt and doubt that neither one of you are reading this. Hence, you won't know about your bronze stars :(
A while ago I had a conversation with someone about my poetry and the people I write about in my poetry. I remember thinking, "I wish a woman would write poetry about me for a change!" It happened. There was a girl who became infacutated with me and wrote me all sorts of sweetness. When I let it be known that I had no extraordinary interest in her the poetry went from sweetness to spiteful. She has posted a couple of spiteful yet errily spiritual poems about me on her myspace page.
This is one of them. She wrote this after deleting me from her friendlist:
1 Fish 2 fish I left this morning with a chip on my shoulder
Red fish blue fish because there was something I never told you
In the diary of MAD BLACK WOMAN my heart needed to be healed along with my spirit and mind
I had to disconnect, allow some space because I deserve love not fear and partner to help me fight
I'm sorry are your feelings hurt, baby? I hurt I bleed if you haven't seen it you have just been DELETED
I love you! I love you enough to leave you alone, let you be free before I fall too deep
See I put myself on hold too long always caring for others, but for the first time in years I ask "What About ME?
My self-esteem, my sanity, my feelings
You might think it sounds selfish.......DEAL WITH IT!
Putting myself on last mode for too long, the back burner too easily
I love me enough to let people go!!!!!!
"No" means "NO!"
I won't beg you to stay and I ain't gon hold you
It's for the best maybe one day our paths will cross in God's timing
But for right now...........As a Valentine's Day gift to me....for me....
When I was child I thought, spoke and reasoned as a child......
There are no hard feelings, I'm healed of the spirit of offense, not an evil thought in my mind
But when I became a woman......I put those childish ways behind me
Man UP! But until then.............You've just been DELETED!
Here is another one she wrote some time afterwards:
I know there are no guaranteesIn love and life you take your chancesBut somehow it seems unfair to meLook at the circumstancesWhen you were hurt I was your friend when you were sick I stood with youThat was my fault I tried to show you I care for youSo when you said those things, then ignored my emails and text You really expected me to stand there and take it? You got me twisted
Broken heart again another lesson learned
No more pain! No more messin with my mind!
No more drama in my life! No one's gonna make me hurt again!
I've been hurt too many times and for too long I've held my tongue
I can't do it no more! How can a man be so cold?To a woman that loves him moreI can't make you stay so if you wanna go? There's the doorI ain't gon hold you Boy you're grown
All jokes aside cause my heart is on the line
Time is running out its time to Man Up! Deal or NO Deal?
I poured out my heart to you though caution screamed
But I should face that fact that you don't care and that you don't want me
Cause I'm sick and tired of fighting! I'm sick and tired of tryingI had enough waiting I told you before I'm done playing
See that's where you got it confused
I know I love you but I love me too
Been many days I couldn't take the painFelt like it was easier to take my life away
So many things went wrong and depression took my mind
I remain unashamed to say I have attempted suicides many times
When I used to see my daddy beat my mother like she was a man
As I got older for him to turn and do me the same
I know there are no guaranteesIn love and life you take your chancesBut somehow it seems unfair to meLook at the circumstancesI've been wrote about and talked about, constantlyI've been stabbed by my own blood, pushed around and betrayed, G.F.B.C
At this point I don't need no one tellin me what to do and say, no one tellin me Who to be I'm on solid ground I only answer to G-O-D
I had a sperm donor not a father, no we've never had one at home
Using us to hurt our mother…………..
Crying when she thought we were sleepNow I know why daddy couldn't be there it's so obvious nobody taught him how to be father to me
I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, or as an excuse to make myself look pure
Years of holding it in and rejection from my classmates, family and strangers landed me in the psychiatric ward
Look at me crazy if you want to or scoot away cause you think I'm contagious
I put my life all up in these poems just so you can feel me, see the real me
Inside I'm hurting but I've learned there are no guaranteesIn love and life you take your chancesBut it seems unfair to meLook at the circumstances
You can cast the first stone, you can break my bones, condemn me till the cows come home
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion
In me is pain and that's where God set up His ministry a passion burns deep within me
For those who don't support me or my tour I'm gon' shine until my heart stops, go ahead envy me
I'm convinced that what is meant to be will be, there's a reason for everything
So you might as well get used to it cause I ain't going nowhere but you already know meLet this mind that be in me that was also in Christ Jesus
Know that the day will surely come when His will, will be done and He will show you and the every one else
I doubt any of you actually read all of that. But, if you did, then you're probably wondering why I posted it in my blog since most of it is slander against my character. Well, I don't have an answer for you. My best guess would be to say that since she's making such an effort to portray me as a manipulative, sorry excuse for a man, I figured I'd help out.
Ok...a more pleasant blog will follow this one. I promise.