FREE THE FISH!
I was in a Chinese restaurant last night and realized how much life would suck if I were a fish. There were two fish tanks in the restaurant; one contained a very large fish and the other one had a large-but-not-so-large fish.
The large-but-not-so-large-fish seemed miserable, but managed well. He had taught himself how to swim sideways, which I think would be fun for about 10 seconds. The very large fish in the other tank was too big for his provided environment. He couldn't swim anywhere, so he had this hoover thing going on. He looked soooooo depressed. I'll bet he was crying. I couldn't tell because he was in water, but I'll be he cries nonstop. If I were him I'd cry all the time.
I discussed this with my brother and he told me that fishes only have a 10-15 second memory span, so after 10-15 seconds fishes forget where they are, so it doesn't matter.
NOTE: If any of you are fish scientists, please confirm this information. My brother is very sarcastic and I'm not sure if he was telling the truth.
ANOTHER NOTE: Do not reply if you are a fish expert I need a fish scientist for this one.
In any case, I'm sure thats what Hell is like. I would hate to be held in a cube and have to relive that realization every 10 seconds.
What I'm trying to say is that we need to free the fish. Its not really slavery because we don't use the fish to fulfill our personal needs. Its just sensless captivity. My first order of business as President of the United States will be to free the fish.
I went to a swanky Manhattan party on Friday night that was thrown by a big deal fashion photographer. At the party was a woman who looked almost exactly like Nicole from the Pussy Cat Dolls.
People who know me know that Nicole and I are married in Pretend World. I almost approached this girl to attempt to strike up an awkward conversation about nothing, but she looked so much like Nicole that if her name wasn't Nicole it would be a problem:
ME: So whats your name?
ME: Its nice to meet you Nicole.
HER: No, my name is Veronica.
ME: Yeah...Nicole...thats what I said.
HER: Are you for real.
ME: Very. So what is it like being a Pussy Cat Doll?
....or something like that.
The night was very eventful. Go to my online blog and read about the evening in greater detail (www.qledbetter.blogspot.com). I'm gonna post this bulletin on there to, so if you're a loser you can read it again.
Love your life.
Free the fish.